Welcome back to ESBN.
It’s that time of year. The regular season has concluded, the death notices have been posted in the papers, the losers weep over their mugs of Bloodweiser, the winners temporarily crow about their good fortune before joining the losers as the playoffs roll on. It seems this would be a great time for a Jim Mora gif, but we shall refrain.
Onto the big awards. First off, the ones we all love and enjoy. The hitters, the bash merchants, the Dukes of Destruction, the Presidents of Pain, one and all these loveable big bastards do the business on the astrogranite bringing joy to young people around the world and being great role models to the same youth.
Here is the table for the first of our awards season, The Iron Glove award for most casualties during the season…
Winner last year, and winner here again is J. Anderson (XVI/10, TCU) of the Denvork Bronkorks. A lean, mean, blitzing machine. With more than a CAS per game, Anderson struck terror into the AFC with his destructive tendencies. Not counted of course are the four interviewers (they shall be missed) who tried to get Mr Anderson’s thoughts on his award. With a CAS every 6.9 blocks, Anderson is a truly damaging force and a key plank of the Bronkorks lineup.
Honourable Mentions: “The Strong Man” Pollak of the Cincinatti Bludgeoners – If we were doing CAS per block then he’d run away with it. But we are ESBN! All we care about is volume. That being said, a fantastic season for the big fella.
Cardinal Roark [RUT] of the Arizona Kill Em All – There was a massive drop off from the big dogs here, but Roark had a good season down there in Arizona. An effective cog in the “Murder Machine”, Roark showed a lot of potential to become a firm fan favourite here due to his ability to fill the highlight reels.
Next up, we find The Fists of Fury award for most blocks thrown. Familiar candidates here, but some surprises up the pointy end…
Well, of course Mr Anderson was going to win it (Our health care provider suggests we use his formal title) with a staggering 145 blocks in 212 turns. A block every 1.46 turns! Incredible. But he only just pulled this one off with a big unit from down in New York putting in the grunt work as well.
Honourable Mentions: Bud Gastineau [ARK] of the New York Wrecks fell just a few blocks short of gaining this prestigious award. New York monstered the AFC East with their unusual combination of tons of dodge and some heavy hitters. Bud was the best of the New York bunch laying 131 block during the regular season
T. Sambrailo of the Denvork Bronkorks joins the bash party with a solid 3rd place over our friend Cardinal Roark [RUT]. Not quite as effective in CAS as his friend Mr Anderson, but still part of a terrifying tandem. The Bronkorks game plan revolves around bringing the pressure and pain with these two the pick of the bunch.
So, congratulations to our first award winners of the season. We love the bash down at ESBN and these animals brought a song to our hearts and we wish those in the playoffs all the success they deserve. May the blood flow and the crowds get the entertainment they deserve.
Next up: The Passing Awards – Stay tuned!
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